Joe Dirt quotes

View Quote Clem: [talking to fire extinguisher] You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!

View Quote Railroad Boy #1: Oh - it's so flat!

View Quote Bullying Man #2: [throws Joe an apple core after he farts on it] I got a fart. You want that?
Joe Dirt: Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass I'd take a bite.
Bullying Man #2: You probably liked J.R., you ****. I saw your bumper sticker: "cowboys' butts drive me nuts."
Joe Dirt: [sticks his fists up] This ****? Is this ****?

View Quote Joe Dirt: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Jill: Sure would. Do you want to go back to my place?
Joe Dirt: Sure do.

View Quote Joe Dirt: Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes; making fun of poor Joe Dirt?
Zander Kelly Probably, because I'm sure that Yahwee would be chiming in too.

View Quote Joe Dirt: So your gonna' tell me that you don't have no black cats, kick but, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing: No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer.

View Quote Joe Dirt: Well today I'm gonna be picking up my Hemi Roadrunner. That's right, I said Hemi.
Jill: Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall.
Joe Dirt: Yep, left it at a friends house.
[under his breath]
Joe Dirt: Actually it got towed away two years ago.
[loud again]
Joe Dirt: But I'm picking it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car I mean. So what do you say?
Jill: That's a big ten-four.

View Quote Joe Dirt: Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where's the good stuff man?
Kicking Wing: Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.
Joe Dirt: Are you nuts dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go boom!
Kicking Wing: Why is that good?
Joe Dirt: Well, duh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets, shove 'em up bullfrogs asses.
Kicking Wing: I would never do that, because one day I'm going to be a veterinarian
Joe Dirt: Well there you go, one day a bullfrog has a M-80 up his ass, he comes to you, you win twice brother

View Quote Old Cajun Man: [In a muffled back water accent] Home is where you make it.
Joe Dirt: What?
Old Cajun Man: Home is where you make it.
Joe Dirt: You like to see h***s naked?
Old Cajun Man: No, no, no. Home. It's where you make it.
Joe Dirt: Yeah, you like to see h***s naked. That's cool.
Old Cajun Man: No! Home is where you make it!
Joe Dirt: Oh.
Old Cajun Man: Everybody knows that. God damn, boy.
Old Cajun Man walks away.
Joe Dirt: Guy likes to see h***s naked, that doesn't help me.

View Quote Robby: You all right Dirt?
Joe Dirt: Yeah, I'm cool.
Robby: No you're not.

View Quote [when the dog starts humping Little Joe's leg]
Little Joe Dirt: Can I push him off of me?
Miss Clipper: He'll stop humping as soon as he's done.

View Quote [Joe falls off a swing] And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feeling that Brandy was looking up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown.

View Quote [To himself] YOU JUST SAID YOUR SISTER WAS HOT. WHAT A FOR-EEK. You're going to Hell, man.

View Quote [Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch] Now, this ain't no flapjack, so I'm gonna be real careful, I won't look.

View Quote And you'll be sticking your head out the window and check out chick dogs saying "What's up, baby?"