Pineapple Express quotes

View Quote "(on phone with Red) Now listen, I'm gonna come by. I gotta lay some shit on you. There is a fly in the ointment. Shit has hit the fan. The lion will speak."

View Quote "Thug life!" [****s shotgun]

View Quote "[While hitch-hiking]" Hey look, it's like my thumb is my ****.

View Quote (To Dale while running away from the hideout)I don't wanna die man, I wanna **** my wife. She will be out of jail soon, I wanna **** her, I wanna have sex with her. I'm not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.

View Quote THIS ENDS NOW!!!

View Quote Dale: Aren't you angry at Ted?
Red: Yeah, I'm really mad at him...
Dale: Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?
Red: Maybe... Maybe that'd be cool to do to him...

View Quote Dale: Look, uh, we don't want to bring you into what we're in, okay? You don't want any trouble, we don't wanna give you trouble, so it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay?
Red: You don't think I can handle danger?
Dale: What are you talking about?
Saul: He can!
Red: I totally can! And for you to come into my house, and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... Well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, okay? Cause look at this!
(Red shows Dale his armpits and points to them along with Saul) Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here bro! Okay?
Dale: What's the significance of that?
Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger!
Dale: Okay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express? That's all we need to know.
Red: "uh-uh."
Saul: "uh-huh"
Dale: "uh-huh"
Red: "uh-uh."
Dale: Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"?
Red: It's "uh-uh."
Saul: There it is, man. Cleared. Over. Everything's fine. I told you, bro. We had a Wacky night in the woods... ...but we both can put that behind us like adults. Now it's time to get super-duper high. Got that bong I got in Tel Aviv?
Red: Bong Mitzvah." Hit it up dude.
Saul: Yes.

View Quote Dale: Okay, even if he found that roach, how could he know where you are?
Saul: Um, heat seeking missiles, um, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas.
Dale: I'm just--I'm kinda flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale: Not a compliment.
Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the **** outta here.
Dale: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh, let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.
Saul: Wait.... What do you mean, it's dead?
Dale: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead.
Saul: No, no. What do you mean, the battery's dead?
Dale: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
Dale: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-
Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?
Dale: Yes, talk radio.
Saul: So boring, man. The car just committed suicide.

View Quote Dale: What else?
Red: Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're, like, in a drug war, right now.
Dale: The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians!
Saul: It's true.
Dale: What Asians?
Red: Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um--
Saul: Viet Cong?
Red: Yeah, little--little--just, little Asian people, like--the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.

View Quote Dale: You're sure We can trust this guy?
Saul: Yo, Red.
Red: Who is it?
Saul: It's Bruce.
Red: Bruce? Who the **** is this? Saul. What's up?
Saul: Who do you think it is?
Red: Who's this?
Dale: I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you.
Red: Dale who?
Dale: It's best if you don't know my full name.
Saul: Dale Denton. don't worry He's with me.
Red: Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro. Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay
Saul: You better.
Red: Get in here.
Saul: Coming in.
Red: Y,all Wanna buy some drugs?
Saul: Frisk me.
Red: What's up? What's up? What's up?
Saul: Get it.
Red: Give it. give it. Look at that, huh? What's up, players?
Saul: What's up?
Red: I've been up in here trying to get a mother****ing scholarship. Chilling. What's up with the clothes?
Saul: Oh We were camping.
Red: Camping?
Saul: Yeah.
Dale: Is your, uh, is your lip okay, man?
Saul: You been crying?
Red: (clearly bruised and cut) Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so uh, I started to cry. I think it's like, a lot worse than it looks, though. It's like a simple kind of....
Saul: (interrupting Red) S-so... does that mean ****in' herpes?
Red: Yeah, y-yeah, yes it does.
Saul: Wow! ****in' sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?!
Red: I know, I'm a disgusting person...
Saul: Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!
Red: Ya, well I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical.. ointment on it. I've been taking vicoden. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.
Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man. You ate that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it.
Red: Out of her vagina. Remember what you did? What did you do? You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthole.
Saul: You ****ing said you wouldn't tell. You sowed your own poison, man.

View Quote Private Miller : Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice o' butter... melting on top of a big ol' pile of flapjacks. [pause] Yeah.

View Quote Red: Seriously! I know this sounds weird but can we be best friends? Just us? Forreal?
Dale: I think we should ALL be best friends!
Red: We should be! You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment.
Saul: You guys are like, both of my best friends and you didn't even know it but now you know it and we'll all be best friends!
Dale: You know what we should get?! You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a 3-way one of those, man!
Saul: (while Dale is talking) 3-way! 3-way!
Red: I don't even know if they ****ing MAKE those!
Dale: We should make the first ones!
Saul: 3-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!

View Quote Saul: (Jumps into a dumpster)I think we should stay here.
Dale: Why?
Saul: 'Cause I am in the dumpster already.

View Quote Saul: I can't see. The wipers don't work!
Dale: Well, kick the windshield out. Isn't that what they do?
Saul: (kicks his leg through the windshield) Ouch! ****, I think I pulled my groin!

View Quote Saul: My favorite part of this was when we were in the car chase.
Red: You guys were in a car chase? Aw, man, that must have been sweet!
Saul: Yeah, it was, man. I had my leg stuck in the windshield and everything!