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Saul: Why are we even here? This place is so ****in' scary!
Dale: At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up!
Saul: That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's".
Dale: At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up!
Saul: That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's".
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[Dale and Saul just evaded the police]
Saul: Hey, you all right, man? You sound pretty hectic.
Dale: I'm okay. Let's just get the **** out of here, okay?
Saul: All right. [he takes out a pipe and an ounce of marijuana] First things first. [takes out a lighter to light up the pipe, as he is about to smoke it]
Dale: Don't... do that, okay?
Saul: [stops lighting and puts down the pipe and lighter] Yeah, why not?
Dale: Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened, because we were smoking marijuana.
Saul: Naw, man. That happened 'cause those ****ing kids couldn't keep their shit on the down low, man.
Dale: In case you haven't noticed, which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice ANYTHING, EVER, we are not very functional when we're high, which is all the ****in' time!
Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that, man?
Dale: Okay. Well, that would be true... if you HAD saved me, but you didn't save me, she was gonna help us, and you made things worse, and now were wanted for all sorts of ****in' crazy shit!
Saul: Don't ****ing get on my case, all right? Look, the only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home.
Dale: Oh, yeah. She must be proud of you for that.
Saul: She is really proud of me. And I'm gonna become something, man. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot. What the hell do you do?
Dale: You mean besides stay in my home, for fear that you designed some object I'm around? I'm gonna be on the radio, talking about LIFE! Giving lessons about life!
Saul: Oh, well, in my place, I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he gonna be doing? BORING PEOPLE TO DEATH ON THE RADIO!
Dale: You are an asshole. That's all you are, you're an asshole.
Saul: I'm not an asshole!
Dale: You are an asshole!
Saul: No, you know what? I'm-- I'm-- I feel pretty-- pretty sure that I'm not an asshole. I'm, like, a totally nice guy.
Dale: I'm just as nice as you are, so you don't bring that out. When we were in the woods, I gave you my jacket. YOU WERE COLD, AND I CLOTHED YOU!
Saul: What about in the park, where I said that you were my friend? You didn't say anything back.
Dale: Well, that's easy, it's because we're NOT friends. You are my drug dealer. There's one reason we know each other, I like the drugs you sell, that's it. And if you didn't sell those drugs, I would have no idea who you were, and I would be fantastic right now! Instead of looking like this.
Saul: Hey, you all right, man? You sound pretty hectic.
Dale: I'm okay. Let's just get the **** out of here, okay?
Saul: All right. [he takes out a pipe and an ounce of marijuana] First things first. [takes out a lighter to light up the pipe, as he is about to smoke it]
Dale: Don't... do that, okay?
Saul: [stops lighting and puts down the pipe and lighter] Yeah, why not?
Dale: Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened, because we were smoking marijuana.
Saul: Naw, man. That happened 'cause those ****ing kids couldn't keep their shit on the down low, man.
Dale: In case you haven't noticed, which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice ANYTHING, EVER, we are not very functional when we're high, which is all the ****in' time!
Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that, man?
Dale: Okay. Well, that would be true... if you HAD saved me, but you didn't save me, she was gonna help us, and you made things worse, and now were wanted for all sorts of ****in' crazy shit!
Saul: Don't ****ing get on my case, all right? Look, the only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home.
Dale: Oh, yeah. She must be proud of you for that.
Saul: She is really proud of me. And I'm gonna become something, man. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot. What the hell do you do?
Dale: You mean besides stay in my home, for fear that you designed some object I'm around? I'm gonna be on the radio, talking about LIFE! Giving lessons about life!
Saul: Oh, well, in my place, I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he gonna be doing? BORING PEOPLE TO DEATH ON THE RADIO!
Dale: You are an asshole. That's all you are, you're an asshole.
Saul: I'm not an asshole!
Dale: You are an asshole!
Saul: No, you know what? I'm-- I'm-- I feel pretty-- pretty sure that I'm not an asshole. I'm, like, a totally nice guy.
Dale: I'm just as nice as you are, so you don't bring that out. When we were in the woods, I gave you my jacket. YOU WERE COLD, AND I CLOTHED YOU!
Saul: What about in the park, where I said that you were my friend? You didn't say anything back.
Dale: Well, that's easy, it's because we're NOT friends. You are my drug dealer. There's one reason we know each other, I like the drugs you sell, that's it. And if you didn't sell those drugs, I would have no idea who you were, and I would be fantastic right now! Instead of looking like this.
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[In the police cruiser, Dale is trying to tell Barber about what he witnessed]
Barber: So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer kill somebody.
Dale: That's exactly what I've been telling you.
Barber: And you saw it?
Dale: Yes. Do you believe me?
Barber: I don't know. Was it a woman or a man cop?
Dale: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
Barber: Oh I think I know who that bitch was.
Dale: Yes, I will identify that bitch.
Barber: So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer kill somebody.
Dale: That's exactly what I've been telling you.
Barber: And you saw it?
Dale: Yes. Do you believe me?
Barber: I don't know. Was it a woman or a man cop?
Dale: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
Barber: Oh I think I know who that bitch was.
Dale: Yes, I will identify that bitch.
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(after arguing with Budlofsky about his face) I might act tough, but I got a lot of feelings. And you hurt damned near every one of 'em. This ain't over.
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(after killing Budlofsky, for not having given him a chance to kill Saul) I knew you gone soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole!
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(as Saul climbs down the ladder to the weed growing house) You know you gonna die, right? I'ma kill the **** outta you. I hope you enjoy these last 17 minutes of your life. 'Cause when Ted get here, he gonna be like, "Kill that mother****er! Kill his mother****in' ass!" Watch your head.
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(clapping hands together) This is so exciting.
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(referring to his burnt face by Saul) I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man!
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(while Dale and Saul are visiting Red)
Dale: Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. (to Saul) Just ask him.
Red: (while frosting a cake) Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here...
Dale: That's great. Just--
Red: We got a lot of time to hang out, I'm making a ****ing cake.
Dale: No shit. (to Saul) Just ask him, man.
Saul: Can I have a piece of that?
Dale: What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece.
Saul: (to Red) I can't have a piece of that?
Red: (is almost done frosting the cake) No, you cannot have a piece, this is private. You know what today is?
Saul: Tuesday.
Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
Dale: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh?
Dale: Sorry.
Red: All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.
Saul: Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to Heaven.
Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to Heaven. He was a little ****er. He could've gone to Hell.
Red: (while frosting a cake) Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here...
Dale: That's great. Just--
Red: We got a lot of time to hang out, I'm making a ****ing cake.
Dale: No shit. (to Saul) Just ask him, man.
Saul: Can I have a piece of that?
Dale: What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece.
Saul: (to Red) I can't have a piece of that?
Red: (is almost done frosting the cake) No, you cannot have a piece, this is private. You know what today is?
Saul: Tuesday.
Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
Dale: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh?
Dale: Sorry.
Red: All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.
Saul: Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to Heaven.
Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to Heaven. He was a little ****er. He could've gone to Hell.
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(while fighting with Saul) I've been waiting for this. You burned my face, huh? Tear this ass up.
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[after Dale attempts to inform him he saw a murder] A cop, a lady, and a guy man that's like a massacre.You saw that?
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[after Dale drops bullets on his floor] Just make sure you get those, I don't wanna run them over with the vacuum and shoot my face off ok?
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[after falling asleep at breakfast] I feel like the nerd at the sleep-over that fell asleep at nine.
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[after killing Budlovsky, Matheson notices Saul] Well, looky here. Mr. Folgers! (in a high pitched voice) What's up SON?
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[after killing Matheson with his Daewoo Lanos] You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, mother****er! [****s his shotgun] How do you like me now huh? [blows off Matheson's right foot] "Gross."