Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby quotes

View Quote Dick Berggren: Dick Berggren reporting from Las Vegas victory lane for FOX television. Ricky, obviously a huge win for you today, but it seems as if you either win, or crash the car trying to win.
Ricky: Well, Dick, here's the deal: I'm the best there is, plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. You know, nobody can hang with my stuff. I'm just a--just a big, hairy, American winning machine. If you ain't first, you're last! You know? You know what I mean? That phrase is trademarked and not to be used without the expressed permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.

View Quote Glenn: So, I was talking to Nana on Saturday. Her birthday's coming up, and I don't know what to get her. She's gonna be 88...
Kyle: Get her a coffin.

View Quote Jarvis: Cal, you should probably pay attention. I think he's passing you.
Cal: Is Ricky passing me in my subconscious?
Jarvis: No, he's actually passin' you! That's happenin' right now!

View Quote Jean: Do you know why I came to America, "Reecky Booby"?
Ricky: Public schools, health care systems, giant water parks, I mean, the same reason anybody comes to America.
Jean: I came here for you to beat me.
Ricky: What the hell are you talkin' about?
Jean: My husband Gregory and I wish for only that which every other couple wishes for: to retire to Stockholm and design a currency for dogs and cats to use. But before I can do that...
Ricky: That's dumb.
Jean: It's not dumb!
Ricky: It is dumb.
Jean: Why is it dumb?
Ricky: I don't know.
Jean: But before I can do that, I must be defeated by a driver who's truly better than me.
Ricky: So you're gonna lose to me on purpose?
Jean: No.
Ricky: No?
Jean: NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart, and you will probably lose, but maybe, juuuust maybe, you might challenge me. God needs the Devil. The Beatles needed The Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my...Katie Couric?
Ricky: Wow. [chuckles] I feel like I'm in Highlander.
[they both laugh] Jean: What is the Highlander?
Ricky: It's a movie.
Jean: Any good?
Ricky: Very good. It won the Academy Award.
Jean: Oh? For what?
Ricky: For best movie ever made. Look, I came here to tell you one thing: Come race time tomorrow, I'm comin' for you, all right?
Jean: May God be with you.
Ricky: Yeah.
Jean: Because although today I am friendly...tomorrow...will be WAR!
Ricky: All right.

View Quote Jean: Monsieur "Booby", by defeating me today, you have set me free. And for that, I thank you. [He offers his hand to Ricky]
Ricky: [shoving Girard's hand away] I will never shake your hand. Ever. But I will give you this...[he passionately kisses Girard]
Jean: Sir...you taste...of America.
Ricky: Thank you. [Girard leans in for another kiss] Noooo...once was good. Once was good.

View Quote Jean: Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of someone who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow."
Ricky: Well, just let me quote the late, great, Colonel Sanders. Who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
Jean: What has that got to do with this?
Cal: I got a message for all of them, ready? Shake...and Bake!
Ricky: What does that do, does that blow your mind? That just happened!

View Quote Lucius: I don't wanna rain on your parade, but that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life.
Ricky: Thank you.
Lucius: Now, I know you won the race, but you're not gonna live forever.
Ricky: Oh, I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one. But with advances in modern science, and my high level of income, I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300.

View Quote Lucius: Listen, if we don't get that car back on the track, our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast?
Ricky: [raising his hand] I wanna go fast!

View Quote Lucius: Now, Ricky, the doctor told us we should let you work it out on your own sweet time, but...Ricky, you can walk.
Ricky: What'd you just say?
Cal: He's tellin' you the truth, man.
Ricky: You sick...sons of bitches! You walk in here, on your two legs, all fat, and ****y, and lookin' at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons! Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented, and star athletes, and they have their legs taken away! I mean, I pray you know that pain and that hurt!
Lucius: DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME, RICKY BOBBY! DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON US! YOU are NOT paralyzed!
Ricky: I am SO paralyzed!
Lucius: NO, NO!
Cal: Don't be rough on him, now.
Lucius: No, he needs to know!
Cal: Okay.
Lucius: He's always cryin' !
Cal: Alright, tough love it is, tough love. [to Ricky] Wake up, idiot!
Ricky: [pulls out a knife] You wanna know what I am?! You wanna see what my life is?!
Lucius: Don't do it!
Ricky: You wanna see what's goin' on here?!
Cal: Don't you stick that knife in your leg...
Ricky: [he sticks the knife in his leg] [pause] AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!

View Quote Mike Joy: Ricky Bobby, who never met a sponsor he wouldn't push, has a huge Fig Newtons sticker on his windshield.
Darrell Waltrip: I think NASCAR'll give him the black flag for that.
Mike Joy: He sold the windshield!
Ricky: This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.

View Quote Mr. Dennit: Ricky, your little obscene gesture is going to cost you 100 points. Do you know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?
Ricky: With all due respect, Mr. Dennit, I had no idea you'd gotten experimental surgery to have your balls removed.
Mr. Dennit: What did you just say to me?
Ricky: What? I said it with all due respect!
Mr. Dennit: Just because you say that doesn't mean you get to say whatever you want to me!
Ricky: Yes, it does!
Mr. Dennit: No, it doesn't!
Ricky: It's in the Geneva Conventions, look it up!

View Quote Reese: Look, all I got to my name is a car, and a duffel bag full of underwear and sweet, stinky weed.
Walker: How much you sellin' that weed for, old man?

View Quote Reese: Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about 2 minutes before they show up, and you do five to ten. So, what's it gonna be? Fear...or prison?
Ricky: What the hell are you talkin' about?!
Reese: Real simple, son! Cops are comin'! There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam underneath the car! Time to be a man! You got hair on your peaches or what?

View Quote Ricky: [after Reese offers to help him go fast again] Fine. I'll do it. But I ain't callin' you Daddy.
Reese: Well, what are you gonna call me then?
Ricky: [later] All right, Professor Dickweed, what's the plan?

View Quote Ricky: Cal, you could say that 10,000 times, and it still wouldn't be enough.
Cal: It fires me up, man.
Ricky: I know, say it one more time.
Cal: Shake and Bake!
Carley: Whoo!
Ricky: Doesn't that feel good?
Cal: Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs...it's awesome!