Team America: World Police quotes

View Quote Spottswoode: You're going to fool everyone, Gary. Or should I say, Hakmed

View Quote Tim Robbins: Don't ****ing move! [Everyone turns to Tim Robbins] Now isn't that a shame. you came so close to stopping peace, but you see: peace - always - finds - a way. Goodbye Team America!
Chris: I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.
Tim Robbins: What's that?
Chris: I'm a smoker! [Flicks ciggarette at Tim Robbins who subsequently dies a screaming death amidst the flames.]

View Quote Martin Sheen and Tim Robbins are playing chess]
Joe: Please, mister Sheen, mister Robbins: you don't understand what Kim Jong Il is doing.
Martin Sheen: Shuddup! We have explicit instructions to watch you.
Tim Robbins: Yeah, we're supposed to be guarrrds!
Martin Sheen: We're guarrds.
Tim Robbins: We're guarrrds, huh? We're guarrrrds!
Martin Sheen: We're guarrrrds!

View Quote [French accordion music. The Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe are visible]
French Puppet: Sacre bleu. Dans la putaaan. Ah. Oui? Bon. Helleu.... [pan out, and the revel-in-the-beauty-of-the-models sequence commences]
French mother: Jean-François?! Jean-François?!
Jean-François: [Singing] Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques. Dormez-vous? Dormez...
[Arab music Jo, de Siddhiiii sounds as Jean-François bumps into some middle-eastern looking sinister types]
White Turban Grey Beard: Baka derk. Jihad sherpaha.
White Turban Black Beard: Allah kaderka-derka. [Activates the suitcase bomb]
French Mother: Jean-François! Pauvre garçon!
Jean-François: Regardez-le, maman. On volez en pepipe.
French Mother: Mon Dieu!
[Sirens sound followed by the Team America theme]
Terrorist: Bakala! Bakala!!!
Joe: [Through the PA system] You in the robes: put down the weapon of mass destruction and get on the ground. You're under arrest!
Terrorist: Bakalakalaka!
Carson: [Getting out of his car, having just run over a fruit-cart] World Police! Get down on the ground!
Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!
Carson: He's getting away with the WMD!
Joe: I got him! [fires missile, toppling the Eiffel Tower. It falls, shattering the Arc de Triomphe]
Joe: Damn, I missed him.
[Paris is reduced to a smouldering pile of rubble]
Joe: Bonjour everyone! Don't worry. Everything is bon! We stopped the terrorists.

View Quote [Gary - wearing a hooded cloak - approaches the gate of Kim Jong Ils palace to rescue his team mates who have been frozen in carbonite, the music resembles John Williams in his finest hour]
Guard: Who the hell you?
Gary Johnston: [waves hand, speaks with soothing deep booming voice in a Jedi Mind-Trick] I'm with the Film Actors Guild, here to help with the broadcast.
Guard: Then you show credentials!
Gary Johnston: [performs the mind-trick once more] Hey, you don't need to see my credentials. I left them at home, and I'm running late!
Other Guard: I berieve him
Guard: Yeah, me too! [...] Have nice day.
[cut to Team Base]
Spottswoode: By God. His acting is better than ever!

View Quote [Gary and Chris stumble onto a tied-up Susan Sarandon]
Susan Sarandon: Oh thank God. We have to stop the ceremony, Kim Jong Il is mad! Here, let me loose. I will show you where the theatre is.
Chris: Alright.
Gary Johnston: No Chris, stay away from her!
Chris: **** you, she wants to help us!
Gary Johnston: No.. Chris... She's acting.
[Chris looks puzzled]
Susan Sarandon: I am not! The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans!
Gary Johnston: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon: [Screaming like Mr. Garrison] You shall die a peasant's death!

View Quote [Gary Johnston is pelted with rotten tomatoes]
Alec Baldwin: [To Gary] You cant out-act me, boy: don't even try it! [to audience] For the truth is: Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations. They are just as bad as the enemies... they... [dramatic pause] fight. [applause]
Gary Johnston: Oh, no, we are'nt! We're dicks! [surprise from audience] We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild... are pussies. And Kim Jong Il... is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks - also - **** - assholes... assholes who just wanna shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can **** an asshole... is a dick... with some balls. The problem with dicks is, sometimes they **** too much or **** when it isn't appropriate...
Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes!
Gary Johnston: ...and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. [music of awe] I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know: If you don't let us **** - this - asshole, we're going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit!

View Quote [Gary walks through a ruined Team Base]
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: [slightly distorted] Greetings Mr. Johnston.
Gary Johnston: What the hell happened?
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.

Spottswoode: There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong Il.
Gary Johnston: Let me go.
Spottswoode: You? You're a butt****ing quitter! You walked out, Gary. The team went on a mission without you, and without an actor they were like pigs to the slaughter! I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands?
Gary Johnston: I know I walked out, but I do anything to take it back. Please, just let me help!

Gary Johnston: Please how can I make you trust me?
Spottswoode: I remember the first day we met. You were a simple broadway actor, afraid to get in my limo, because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me. Do you remember that?
Gary Johnston: Yeah...
Spottswoode: And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you.
Gary Johnston: Just... give me a chance.
Spottswoode: All right. I'll trust you! But only if you... will perform oral sex on me.
Gary Johnston: (Blankly)......What?
Spottswoode: Right here, right now!
Gary Johnston: You can't be serious.
Spottswoode: I am serious. Look! [points at face] This is my serious face.
Gary Johnston: What will that prove?
Spottswoode: [enraged] It will prove that you are truly ready to lay everything on the line. To throw away all your inhibitions, and give one hundred percent! We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust. Don't you see?
Gary Johnston: No, I thought you weren't gay!
Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust! It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it. [long pause] Ok. Let's do it. [drops pants] I'll make sure nobody's watching. [looks around] Ok....... Go!!!
[elaborate off-screen blowjob with majestic music]
Spottswoode: You are dedicated! Now let's go get cleaned up. If you're going to storm Kim Jong Ils palace singlehanded, we have to make you a complete soldier in very little time!
Gary Johnston: How're we gonna do that?
Spottswoode: [Montage song fades in]I think I know just what we need.
Unused Dialogue:

View Quote [The team are suddenly sprayed with bullets]
Joe: Jeez!
Chris: Wadda we got?
Joe: Looks like Liv Tyler and George Clooney at twenty yards!
Sarah: Look out! Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo!
[Gary kills Liv Tyler and George Clooney with a single hand grenade, beheading the latter]
Chris: Drop your weapons! [shoots Ethan Hawke]
Janeane Garofalo: ****ing die! [Gets her head valmorphanized slightly]

View Quote [The terrorists have bombed the Panama Canal]
Sarah: But... how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
Spottswoode: It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. [turns towards the machine] That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad intelligence.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: I'm sorry.

Spottswoode: Team, if the Derka-derkistanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be nine-eleven... times a thousand.
Sarah: Jesus, you mean...?
Spottswoode: Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Chris: Well, then forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
Spottswoode: Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!

Spottswoode: Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: [pause] Yes there is.

Unused dialogue: Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I screwed up with Cairo. [pause] I let racism cloud my judgment. [pause] I was so sure the world's ultimate terrorist must be Middle Eastern that... I never suspected he was a God damn gook. I'll never be racist again.
[Gary walks in with packed bags, drops them on the floor]
Spottswoode: Where are you going, Gary??
Gary: Don't you get it? Everyone hates us!!
Spottswoode: Now, now... Everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
Gary: [pause] No they didn't!
Spottswoode: Well, I did. That ****sucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!

Spottswoode: Je - sus - Tit - ty - **** - ing! .....CHRIIIIIIST!!!

Sarah: We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E,!

[Sarah's plane is crashing]
Sarah: I sense I'm going down.

[Kim Jong Il brings up the Middle Eastern terrorists on a large viewscreen]
Kim Jong Il: Okay: who brew up Panama Canal?
Terrorist: We were angry about Cairo.
Kim Jong Il: Goddammit, how many times I have to tew you? You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal! I have worked ten years on this pran! It is a very pwecise, and a compricated pran! I am sick of you terrorists ****ing it up!! Now take the weapons where I told you and wait for the goddamn signal this time! Goodbye!! [flicks the screen off] Why is everyone so ****ing stupid? Why aren't more peopre interrigent, rike me?:
[Song: Ronery]

[Gary is drinking his depression away]
Gary Johnston: I'm a dick!
Drunk guy: Well, being a dick ain't so bad. See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just wanna **** all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because... pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks also-****-assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't **** the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit! [Gary pukes]
Alec Baldwin: What the world needs is an international advisory committee who truly understands global politics. Namely, us.
Janeane Garofalo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
[Chris is experiencing some electro-torture at the hands of a Korean guard]
Chris: [gazes upon his torturer] I'm gonna ****ing kill you!
Kim Jong Il: You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red-write-and brue-friend.
Lisa: So you're the bastard planning nine-eleven times a thousand.
Kim Jong Il: Nooo, you think so small. You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony. And while all the world's most important people are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs, which I have given to terrrice... awr around the grobe. [looks down on Sarah] It will be nine-eleven times... two thousand three hundred and fifty six!
Chris: My God... That's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!!
Kim Jong il: You are da rast of a dying breed...the fwag-waving American. Well, your wittle dweam will soon be over.

View Quote [Tim Robbins kicks Gary down and Martin Sheen strikes Chris with a adjustable wrench]
Tim Robbins: Actors Out!!
[Actors drop from above one by one stating their name]
Helen Hunt: Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel Jackson!
Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
Samuel L. Jackson: [Kicks Gary while he's still down] Mother****er!

View Quote Matt Damon!

View Quote [The words "act" and "acting" used in various novel ways.]

View Quote Cairo... That's in Egypt.

View Quote Come on, Gary: you've got to act fast!